Me By Numbers

after long consideration and many a-night thinking to myself, I've come to accept that I may never answer the life altering question "who are you/who am I." I feel that somewhere in the past, maybe childhood or even birth, my ability to identify with other people was thwarted; not lost, just deformed. my life has been a mixtape of opportunities, lifestyles and emotions, but never have I felt that it was true to "me". never have I felt that I was "me"

but I'm ok with this.

rather than waste all my time searching for an answer I'm sure not to find, I've turned to alternatives I consider valuable to atleast coming to some sort of closure. by this I just mean characteristics.

like carefree. if I could one day be carefree of how I think people look at me, carefree about politics, other people's problems, small things that I just shouldn't sweat, I think I would feel accomplished, maybe a little fulfilled.

or forgetting my fear. I have fears people make up for the movies. some I don't like to talk about, and others I feel are necessary to talk about to come to some closure. one of my top fears is death; not so much the feeling, but the outcome. if it is pure emptiness that follows, then I want to live as long as possible, but if it is something more, if it is some eclipsing feeling of joy or some Utopia, then I have nothing to fear. it is the uncertainty that frightens me. but if one day I could live my life without having to think about aging, growing old, dying, and yet focus on what I have right now, the beauty of life and the surrounding living things... again, I would feel such closure.

and finally, a life without predeterminations would be splendid. I'll be the first to say that thoughts cross my mind very often throughout the day, usually quicker than I can look at them and say "did I really just think that?" being able to walk into a room full of a diverse people and say "all these people are beautiful in their own retrospect" and then begin evaluating from there, that would be ideal. I can't tell you how awesome it feels when you've already put this judgmental image of someone in your brain, and as you get to know them they shatter it piece by piece. but that's not what I want. I want that shattering to happen in the beginning, in part by me, and to begin my assessment of a person then.

who am I? I'll never know. and people may say they know. and they might. but I didn't ask them. I asked myself. am I giving up? of course not. if someday that answer just hits me, you won't find me upset. am I accepting the truth as I see it now?

that's exactly what I'm doing...